pull me back to shore...

arrantophelia @ 2006-11-20T19:15:00

2006-11-21T02:15:15Z

in the itc.

there's a girl next to me who must be a pe major (my gut reaction confirmed by the 300-level pe class she's taking) who is writing a paper entitled "discovering hatha yoga." it makes me happy, and in only a little bit of an i'm-an-asian-studies-major condescending sort of way.

dance partay

2006-06-24T06:12:08Z

INTERNATIONAL DANCE PARTY

who: people all across the country, including you
what: dance party
where: wherever you are
when: tomorrow - saturday night, 12 midnight est (9pm pst)
why: because dance parties are awesome
how: turn up your music player of choice. play the first song (agenda suicide) from the faint's "danse macabre" at wherever you are. dance accordingly. take pictures and send them to me.

his response:

2006-06-13T02:38:40Z

"Haha. I was kind of wondering if you'd find that reply. Excellent. Zaijian."

now, interpret.

arrantophelia @ 2006-06-12T11:22:00

2006-06-12T18:23:45Z

If a boy sends you this poem, is it appropriate to read something into it?

If so, how much?

in case you keep track of these things

2006-05-09T04:34:53Z

as of sunday, i am a free bird.

here goes the ignorant laowai

2006-04-19T01:27:36Z

Okay, if you ask me, I'd debate the "long, lustrous history" of China that people talk about all the time. China wasn't even unified until Qin Shi Huang Di. Granted, that's still a long history, but certainly not 3500+ years, either. Plus, I don't understand the continuity granted throughout all the dynastic changes. Most problematic for me is the Qing dynasty - several hundred years of Manchu rule over the Han. It was an invasion! Nobody would call the British invasion of India, for example, part of Indian history in the same way Chinese people speak of theirs. (Or talk proudly about Native American history after the "discovery" of the Americas.) Obviously the analogy doesn't hold up under scrutiny, but you know what I mean.

Furthermore, I'm baffled by the cultural unity that Chinese people brag about when I see laobeijingren hate nanfangren and taiwanren hate mainlanders and back and forth. Bah. I spent the summer working for a an educated Taiwanese boss who only ever talked about how morally bankrupt mainlanders are and how I would hate China and how it's so unsafe and filthy and evil and now I have a very educated Chinese professor from Beijing who only talks about how stupid and uneducated and barbaric southerners are. Besides, culture is so different in the north than the south than the west - I think food illustrates that well, especially in China. (True, the differences - food and otherwise - exist in America too, but I certainly don't feel any sort of cultural unity with people in New York or Nebraska or Louisiana or Alaska.)

So: enlighten me. I'm posting this here so the bijiao congming de Chu family will help me out on this one.

arrantophelia @ 2006-04-07T00:54:00

2006-04-07T04:56:10Z

i got punched in the jaw today.

by a puppy.

with a broken leg.

i can't open my mouth wider than talking-width. is that a bad sign?

in other news, i think i'm going vegan.

W [Viva], XXIX

2006-04-04T00:34:52Z

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what is is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

arrantophelia @ 2006-04-03T09:26:00

2006-04-03T13:27:39Z

spring is almost here. it's trying really hard.

i was at paul's house all weekend and now i am exausted, behind on schoolwork, and skipping class.

anyway, i'm going to go study. livejournal is fun.

china

2005-12-14T09:02:28Z

i'm home. yay. it's pretty nice. a little too comfortable.

that's pretty much it.

The Sun Never Says

2005-11-10T01:18:38Z

Even
After
All this time
The sun never says to the earth,

"You owe
me"

Look
What happens
With a love like that,
It lights the
Whole
Sky.

this is the last you'll ever hear of this, but:

2005-11-02T15:48:16Z

and just like that... the tables have turned.

what goes around comes around, i guess.

so - did you laugh? i did. kind of like the time i was wakeboarding and i landed, face first, on my teeth. i laughed like a fool. what else can you do?

arrantophelia @ 2005-09-13T02:34:00

2005-09-12T18:34:29Z

why do i even bother being honest? it always backfires. god damn it.

random

2005-09-11T13:27:38Z

a few things.

HOLY SHIT I'M IN CHINA.

i really love bright eyes. their lyrics resonate with me.

today at dinner we were talking about religion, and my roomate jokingly said, "yeah i can't tell if you're a christian or not by the way you act." i said, "well, i can't tell if i'm a christian or not, so there you go." and i was thinking about that, as i've feeling a little bad about the state of my spiritual life (or lack thereof) - but at least i'm being true to what i know. right? thoughts?

back to the first paper of the semester. it's only a 3 pg reflection paper, but the first one is always so hard. i have yet to find my groove.

my heart feels full. finally.

2005-07-27T02:31:03Z

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

arrantophelia @ 2005-07-17T11:54:00

2005-07-17T18:55:51Z

I'm living my own nightmare. How could I have let this happen?

I am so, so sorry.

arrantophelia @ 2005-07-10T23:14:00

2005-07-11T06:15:13Z

does anybody (coughdavecough) know where atwood, ontario is?

new hair

2005-07-02T06:09:59Z

last night

2005-06-12T22:48:17Z

well, i'm never doing that again.

crazy magic

2005-06-10T06:05:25Z

Have you guys seen magician/"mentalist" Alain Nu? The guy was blowing my mind. If anybody has seen him or knows his secrets, let me know so I can sleep at night.

haha... :(

2005-06-06T19:28:00Z

Somehow I found a friend/ex's old livejournal. He basically wrote about how much he hated me in every way and how everybody else hated me in every way and how I was a slut because I was with Ryan, or something - but I never dated Ryan! I went out with him twice. Funny how rumours spread. And how things change. Nothing he wrote about was actually true, except maybe for how the girls at church hated me (but that's because they were a) complete white trash, and b) in love with Ryan and therefore insanely jealous).

Still hurts a little bit, though. Sure, it's hilarious. But it hurts :(

arrantophelia @ 2005-06-03T19:27:00

2005-06-03T23:29:46Z

"Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. Solid flesh can never live up to the bright shadow cast by its absence. Time and distance blur the edges; then suddenly the beloved has arrived, and it's noon with its merciless light, and every spot and pore and wrinkle and bristle stands clear."

-Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin

arrantophelia @ 2005-05-28T05:15:00

2005-05-28T09:18:49Z

Amusing.

Went to a party tonight full of high school people. Half of them were stumbling drunk and couldn't remember my name, and the other half didn't recognize me. Heh. I also got hugs from people that I never talked to. Daniel what's his name... I don't even remember. He was like "Lisa! Give me a hug!" and I thought huh. This is new.

Then Nick and I went back to his house and talked about all our sad memories together - they're all sad. Not one good memory. And we also talked about when he hated me, along with like 983875 people from my church who all pretended to be my friend. The ringleader of them was a real bitch, though. The fakest person I've ever known.

Anyway, that sucked. I feel slightly better now, after hanging out with Gian for a few minutes, but not really. Brutal. Maybe I'll head to bed.

this is for you, gian.

2005-05-25T08:17:55Z

This Dead Relationship

I carry a dead relationship around everywhere with me.
It's my hobby.
How lucky to have a job that's also my hobby,
To do it all the time.

A few people notice, and ask if they can help carry this thing.
But, like an alcoholic scared they will hear the clink of glass in the bag,
I refuse - scared they'll smell rottenness,
Scared of something under their touch
That will cave in, a skin over brown foam on a bad apple.
I cram this thing over the threshold
Into the cold and speechless house,
Lean against the front door for a moment to breathe in the dark,
Then start the slow haul to the kitchen.
Steel knives catch the moonlight on white tiles.

This dead relationship.

Or not yet dead.

Or dead and half-eaten,
One eye and one flank open, like a sheep under a hedge.

Or dead but still farting like the bodies in the trenches,
Exploding with their own gas. Hair and nails still growing.

It has the pins and needles of returning feeling in a deadness.
It is a reptile in my hand, quick and small and cool;
The flip of life in a dry, cold bag of loose skin.
A pressure without warmth of small claws and horn moving on my palm.

At night it slips slow but purposeful across the floor towards the bed.
Next thing it's looking out of my eyes in the morning -
And in the mirror, though my eyes are not my own,
My mouth shows surprise that I am still there at all.

Oh, a sickness that can make you so ill,
Yet doesn't have the decency to kill you.
A mad free-fall that never hits the ground,
Never knows even the relief of sudden shock;
Just endless medium-rare shock, half-firm, half-bloody all the time.
A long, slow learning curve.
The overheating that can strip an engine badly,
Strain it far worse than a racing rally.
The fear that you will slow to a stop
Then start a soft, thick, slow-gathering roll backwards.

I want something that is familiar but not.
To feel in someone else's pocket for a key
While they lean away, laughing, their arms up,
Hands in the air covered in crease or dough or paint or clay.

I have to carry it around.
A weeping mother brings a baby to a hospital,
Late-night emergency.
The tired doctor smooths the hand-made lace back from its face.
He sees it was stillborn weeks ago, has been dead for weeks.
He looks at her, there is no air in the room...

This dead relationship. This dead and sinking ship.
Bulbs lie, unplanted, on a plate of dust.
Dry and puckered pouches, only slightly mouldy;
Embalmed little stomachs but with hairy, twisted fingers,
Waiting for something to happen without needing to know what it is.
When it happens everything else in the universe can start.

This dead relationship.

I am this thing's twin.
One of us is dead
And we don't know which, we are so close.

-Katherine Pierpoint

store wars!

2005-05-15T20:48:59Z

Holy. Crap. This is awesome.